


Pool Cues and Fireworks

by IndigoJuly



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Light Angst, Trans Female Character, Trans!Maggie, but also includes Maggie disclosing to Alex, in the sense that it mentions Alex coming out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29831166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoJuly/pseuds/IndigoJuly
Summary: She steps back to grab drinks and then—and then Alex’s arms are pulling her in close, smooth and steady just like how she handles the cue and the subsequentcrackthat Maggie hears when their lips collide must be in her head because there’s no teeth, only soft insistent lips as Alex rocks into Maggie but it feels like fireworks going off in her body, sparking and crackling and bursting into color.A little rewrite of parts of 2x05-08, told through the lens of trans!Maggie.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 11
Kudos: 65





	Pool Cues and Fireworks

**Author's Note:**

> CW: brief references to transphobia and brief internalized transphobia.
> 
> And trans!Maggie is inspired by [NerdsbianHokie's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie) stuff on tumblr!

Maggie tries to count her blessings. Or at least tries to appreciate how far she’s come.

Because she really has come a long way.

Literally, she’s a thousand miles away from Blue Springs.

Over a thousand miles and a decade away from that cold, winter night when she drew up bars around her heart and learned to stop trusting in other people.

And so even if Maggie feels like shit now, she’s had it worse. 

So this rejection? She’ll get used to it. 

She always does.

\--

She knows how to handle breakups. She’s been through enough.

She knows what music to blast when she’s at the gym or at her apartment, which songs are the right amount of angry and driving and plays them on a loop until she tires herself out enough to stop feeling.

She knows what restaurants have fast delivery and the best comfort food to gorge herself on.

She knows what alcohol to drink (and what alcohol not to) to get her to fuck-you-I-don’t-need-you-either and when to stop before she’s at fuck-everything-nothing-is-worth-it.

Maggie knows and she knows this feeling is only temporary, but fuck does it still hurt.

\--

This is something new though. Evenings at the bar playing pool with Alex are quickly turning into her favorite part of the week, and it’s working well to distract her from the biting words from her ex.

In contrast to Maggie’s methodical and calculating pool shots, Alex goes in with a healthy amount of confidence and recklessness and attempts the tricky shots half the time.

Maggie likes to watch her set up for them. Alex tugs her bottom lip into her mouth a little and digs into the soft flesh with her teeth. She takes a breath, holds it, and smoothly draws her arm back. There’s a _crack_ and Maggie’s eyes aren’t drawn towards the noise—instead her eyes watch the slide of the cue through Alex’s fingers spread out on the table. 

(There’s a tiny fraction of her that recognizes the _feelings_ lurking behind there, but she’s not about to pick those apart yet.)

Alex sinks the 8 ball and Maggie’s out twenty bucks for the nth time but she couldn’t care less. 

“I don’t get the chance to win my money back?” It’s the last thing on her mind but she knows it’ll make Alex preen.

“Uh, with the rate that you play, we’d be here for hours. Your girlfriend would have to put out an APB.” Alex does preen, gets a little playful in the way that usually makes Maggie smirk and snark something back but Alex has unintentionally dug into the bruise that’s still purple and tender. 

It hurts and Maggie’s not one to show her pain. 

But this is Alex.

“No likely, we broke up.” Maggie lets the bitterness seep into her voice but still turns and walks away so that Alex doesn’t see the flash of emotion in her eyes.

“Oh my god.” Alex hurries after her though and maybe, maybe Maggie can share this pain with someone for once. “I’m sorry, what happened?” Alex says, voice concerned and for once, Maggie doesn’t feel weak and pitied.

“She dumped me.” Well, it was more than that but Maggie’s not ready to feel that vulnerable in front of Alex yet.

" _She_ dumped _you_?” The scoff and disbelief in Alex’s voice is a little gratifying. It doesn’t soothe the ache now, but Maggie slots it into her memory for later when she needs a confidence boost. “Who would do that?” Maggie isn’t keeping track of the number of rejections. She’s not that masochistic.

“She did, convincingly.” Because the words that came out of her ex’s mouth were words she had physically recoiled from.

“Well, maybe it was just a fight.” Alex’s attempts to see the bright side are sweet but she wasn’t there.

“Well, she said I was hard-headed, insensitive, obsessed with work…” It was ironic coming from her, really. Her words that echo around in Maggie’s brain are insensitive and _cruel_.

“Well that’s not so bad.” 

(When Maggie replays this conversation later, she appreciates that line. Because she thinks Alex gets her. She knows that Maggie can be stubborn, can be blunt, can spend hours working through all the evidence from a case late into the night.)

(But right now, in this moment, she forgets that Alex doesn’t always say what she means and it hurts just a bit that Alex doesn’t try harder to see the bright side of those words. Doesn’t say that _hard-headed_ meant that Maggie didn’t back down when her partner insisted that the evidence pointed to one conclusion when it really led to another. Her bluntness meant that she didn’t mince words when she explained to her partner what she was thinking. And it was only because Maggie mulled over that evidence for hours into the night that she pieced it together. She solved that case and Alex brought over pizza and beer to celebrate and they talked all evening without bringing up work once.)

(So later, when Maggie looks back on _Well that’s not so bad_ , she really does think that Alex is seeing the positives. But Maggie is hurting right now, is having a hard time seeing the flip-side of those words and it does sting, just a bit, to hear Alex go along with the words of her ex.)

But it wasn’t just hard-headed, insensitive, and obsessed with work. “Also borderline sociopathic and she never wants to see me again, so I’m pretty sure it’s over.” Maggie rushes through the words at the end, rushes to finish the sentence so she can stop talking since there’s more she could say. There’s more to the story but this bruise is bone-deep and throbbing already.

“Well, her loss.” Alex says it so genuinely that somehow, Maggie’s mouth is opening and words are spilling out again. Alex makes it so wonderfully, horribly easy. 

“I just thought, you know, she was…” 

“Thought she was what?”

But Maggie really does need to stop herself because despite the tiny part of her that wants to share, wants to vent, wants to be reassured… There are some things that are private. Things that are hers to share if she feels safe and yes, this is _Alex_ , who she’s only known for months yet feels like she’s known for longer, but—

“Look, I appreciate the beer and the pool, but I think I need to go home and drink something a little harder and lose my cool. See you later.”

\--

 _Just a fight_ doesn’t end in Maggie questioning her worth this much. 

She’s been rejected before. Sometimes it becomes clear that their schedules don’t match up, that their personalities are too different, that they just don’t click.

And then other times, she discloses and they decide they don’t want her anymore.

She knows how to handle rejection. And it’s their decision to make. If they don’t want to date her since she’s trans, she isn’t going to try to change their mind and doesn’t want to anyway. 

She’s tired of explaining her existence, of justifying and defending it when the words fall on covered ears.

She just wishes this rejection wasn’t so tiring as well.

Tiring and painful because this was one of the times when she got to hear just exactly how horrible her ex thought she was.

It wasn’t just hard-headed, insensitive, and obsessed with work.

It was borderline sociopathic because Maggie “lied”, Maggie _deceived_ her, and Maggie didn’t think about her feelings and lesbian identity, and didn’t consider that Maggie made her uncomfortable—made her feel unsafe.

And at first Maggie was angry. She slammed the door when she got back to her apartment, got dressed to go to the gym, slammed her door on the way out, and pummeled the heavy bag until her body couldn’t hit anymore.

She was angry—at her ex for saying those things, and at herself for dating her and letting those words affect her so much.

She was angry because it’s easier to feel angry. It’s easier to funnel that emotion into something that feels useful and worthwhile.

She was angry for as long as she could stand, to avoid the depression that comes after.

But now, it is after and now she’s just tired. 

\--

But life goes on. Alex comes out to Maggie in the bar in starts and stops and darting eyes. She can’t get the words out and rushes to excuse herself after, voice tight and vulnerable. 

Maggie hasn’t quite been there—she’s known her gender and sexuality for a while now and appreciates that it’s a little different to realize as an adult. Some of the fears that Alex expresses: feeling like a kid again, feeling like she’s missed out on life experiences, feeling like she doesn’t know what to do… Some of those are different than what Maggie’s personally experienced.

But she empathizes with the feelings—the fear and the uncertainty. (She feels them every time she comes out as gay, and more so when she discloses she’s trans.)

She wants Alex, at least, to get the happy ending. The one where she is met with open arms and is loved and accepted and doesn’t need to hide.

So when Alex asks how Maggie’s parents took the news, when Alex assumes Maggie is out as a lesbian to her parents, she lies. 

She says her parents were pretty good. 

She doesn’t mention that she got kicked out at 14 when her dad found her secretly taking puberty blockers, doesn’t mention that she’s never come out as a lesbian, doesn’t mention that she hasn’t talked to her parents in years.

Alex deserves a better story. She doesn’t need to hear Maggie’s trauma.

And Alex gets the good ending. Maggie doesn’t know the specifics, but when Alex comes into the bar asking for that drink, the one she promised once Alex came out, she knows it must have been ok since Alex is smiling, proud and excited.

Maggie feels her own pride swell and can’t help but rock up on her toes a bit to wrap her arms around Alex’s shoulders.

She steps back to grab drinks and then—and then Alex’s arms are pulling her in close, smooth and steady just like how she handles the cue and the subsequent _crack_ that Maggie hears when their lips collide must be in her head because there’s no teeth, only soft insistent lips as Alex rocks into Maggie but it feels like fireworks going off in her body, sparking and crackling and bursting into color.

“Wow.” Maggie is breathless, reeling just a bit as she’s intimately aware of the hand that Alex has let drop down to grip her bicep.

“I have been wanting to do that.” Alex’s voice is breathy in a way that Maggie has never heard before. She’s heard Alex speak when she’s breathing heavy from a fight or when she’s winded from chasing down an alien. But Alex is breathless because _Maggie_ has taken her breath away and oh, how she wants to hear it again.

But Alex, recently out of the closet and giddy with her realization, is still unintentionally pressing against Maggie’s wounds. 

She’s still hurting, still working to manage the dysphoria that tends to flare up when she faces the kind of rejection she just did. 

Alex deserves someone who can give her everything. The joy, the passion, the shininess of a first real romance. Alex shouldn’t have to date someone still cradling bruises.

(And there’s a tiny voice in the back of her mind, the voice of those previous rejections saying that she isn’t enough. Alex has just come out of the closet, just figured out that she doesn’t like men. And Maggie, Maggie is—)

(It’s not remotely true. Maggie knows she is no lesser than any other woman. But those words, still too fresh in her mind, worm their way to the forefront.)

And so it can’t be Maggie. 

She tries to let Alex down gently. 

But as much as Alex deserves the truth, Maggie can’t make the words come out. She can’t say that she isn’t ready because it’s been weeks. Maggie should be over it by now.

So when she lets Alex down, she says “I shouldn’t get involved with someone fresh off the boat. Those relationships don’t really work out.” It’s not that far off the truth at least.

And she says “I’m here for you,” because Alex needs to know that. Needs to know that Maggie isn’t going anywhere. She just can’t be dating Alex.

But then Alex’s voice pinches. It dangles on a wire, high and unsteady in a way that Maggie has never heard before but this time it _hurts_ , because it’s her fault and she wants to never have to hear it again.

Alex is smiling, but it’s forced and there’s pain in her eyes as she turns and walks out of the bar.

There’s a _crack_ from the other pool table as the cue ball collides against a solid. But all Maggie hears is the dull thump of the solid falling into the pocket, the thudding beat of a wounded heart.

\--

So Maggie rejects Alex at the bar and then Alex rejects Maggie at the parking garage.

“All I feel is pain—

That’s the last thing Maggie wants. Maggie has been trying to protect Alex from pain. Because if they dated and spent more time around each other, Maggie’s hurt would inevitably spill over onto Alex. 

“—because you don’t want me.”

It’s the farthest thing from the truth. Maggie enjoys their flirtatious banter not just because it’s fun, but because it’s Alex. She replays their kiss in her mind over and over. She still feels Alex’s hands cupping her face and holding her arms. She _wants_ Alex, despite how bad of an idea it is.

She tries to explain, but Alex cuts her off. And Maggie, shocked and confused, lets Alex walk away this time too. 

\--

She finds herself turning to her breakup playlist again.

She’s confused and hurt and the songs distract her from the mess of emotions swirling around inside until she can finally sit down to think.

Alex said she was in pain because of Maggie. 

Maybe Alex is better off without Maggie then, if she’ll just hurt her.

But that’s not really true, is it? 

Maggie turned Alex down because the timing was wrong. Because Maggie needs time to bounce back from the scathing rejection she faced. 

And the truth is that Alex is helping her heal. Alex may not know it, but the time they spend together at the bar, at each other’s apartments—Maggie cherishes every moment of it. 

And Maggie would like to think that she has helped Alex in some way too. Both of their jobs are stressful and Alex has said how spending time with Maggie helps her unwind, at the very least.

Alex is just about the only friend Maggie has recently made in the past… too long. 

Does Maggie really want to let her go? Can she let herself do that?

\--

Maggie goes to Alex’s apartment with her speech ready and rehearsed. 

“I heard everything you said.” Because Maggie hates not being heard and knows how to listen.

“I get it.” Because Maggie knows rejection, and she sees now that her attempt to let Alex down gently has still left her in pain.

“And if you never want to see me again, I’ll respect that. I’ll disappear.” Because Maggie doesn’t want to hurt Alex any more than she already has.

“But I don’t meet many people that I care about. And I care about you, a lot. You’ve become really important to me.” Because Alex is the last person Maggie has texted. Alex is the last person Maggie has hung out with. And Alex is the first person that Maggie thinks to call about anything.

“I hope that one day, you and I could be friends. Because I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it.” Because there it is—that’s the truth.

Her two minute speech is up and Alex moves back to the door, eyeing Maggie wearily. The moment stretches. Maggie has offered herself up to Alex, pleaded her case and all she can do is hope that she means as much to Alex as Alex means to her. 

“Pool, tomorrow night.”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” And she can breathe again.

\--

“Take that, Danvers!” The eight ball rolls neatly into the pocket.

Maggie has been on her game tonight. They haven’t bet on anything though, in a silent mutual agreement to ease back into their familiar relationship. 

Alex goes to rack and Maggie lets her break.

Alex is better at breaking. Maggie uses her entire body to generate power but Alex only uses her back arm and still manages to break harder and more consistently.

It’s a sight to see. There’s power held tight in her arms and back, coiled in her muscles as she leans over the table, eyeing the balls. She slides the cue through her fingers a few times and Maggie’s fingers are again drawn to the way they flex against the billiard cloth.

(She wants to feel those fingers on her skin again.)

There’s a _crack_ and a thud of a ball falling to the pocket but this time, it feels like something is falling back into place.

\--

Pool nights continue and the low-stake bets come back. And then so too do the evenings spent at one of their apartments. And then the surprise drop-by visits that are unplanned but welcomed.

And all the while, Maggie’s bruises fade from purple to yellow to nothing at all until the only lingering pain is from the memories.

Then an alien attack gives her a literal wound. The gash burns unlike anything she’s felt before and she’s barely breathing against the pain. 

She’s rushed to the DEO, slightly delirious but she recognizes when Alex runs up, shouting orders at the agents wheeling her in on a stretcher.

When she’s more aware of her surroundings, she focuses on Alex stitching her back up. Her gloved fingers manipulate the needle and forceps carefully, and there’s gentle pressure against Maggie’s skin where Alex rests her hand.

(This wasn’t what she was going for when she wished for Alex’s hands on her skin, but it makes her heart beat just a little faster anyway.)

And then Alex thanks her for helping her come out. And says she knows now that it wasn’t about Maggie. It’s about Alex living her life.

And it’s character development, Maggie thinks. Alex is over the shininess of being newly out and that’s good.

But then something in Maggie aches a little because she _does_ want it to be about herself. She wants to hold Alex in her arms again and press their lips together and hear the _crack_ of the world erupting into color and light because nothing and no one has ever made her feel so very _alive_ like Alex does.

She wants to be able to cast Alex out of the nest, wants to be able to tell her to fly and find the woman of her dreams but she knows—Maggie _knows_ that if she lets Alex go, she’ll always wonder _what if_. 

\--

Maggie paces in her apartment. She’s gotten used to disclosing, gotten better at it, but whenever she discloses to anyone whether it be in-person or on the phone or through text, her nerves rise up. 

The good thing is that she knows Alex seems to be fine with trans people. It’s something that’s been brought up during late nights at each other’s apartments since Alex wanted to catch up on all the queer history and knowledge she was lacking. But sometimes what people say and what people really think are two very different things. She’s intimately aware of that fact.

And so Maggie is nervous in the way that makes her heart race and her palms sweat. 

But if tonight goes the way she hopes, she wants to cradle Alex’s face in her hand as she kisses her breathless. So she needs to get rid of this nervous energy. 

She expends it through push ups and pull ups and squats and well, the muscle pump that exaggerates her arms and shoulders and thighs is just a happy side effect. 

And then, freshly showered and with pizza and beer in hand, she knocks on Alex’s door.

Alex opens the door dressed in pajamas and oh, Danvers looks good dressed down. 

“It’s late. You got a case or something? Oh god, I could really use a good old-fashion murder right now.” Of course the first thing she thinks about is a murder case.

“You know, I didn’t—I didn’t come here for work. I just really needed to… see you, and talk to you.” If Maggie doesn’t get this out soon, she will surely burst.

“Is everything ok?”

Maggie hums, noncommittal. She hopes that everything will be ok. But it’s always precarious, these conversations. And this time, she’s not disclosing to some woman she picked up at the bar or found through a dating app. This is Alex. Alex, who matters like no one has ever mattered to Maggie before. She has so much to lose this time.

“There’s something I want to share with you.” Maggie starts. She’s had this conversation many times over. She still never quite knows how to begin. She focuses on breathing deep, tries to will her heart to slow down as it starts to thump in her chest. Her hands fist at her sides.

“Ok, shoot.” Alex nods and smiles, a little confused but comforting. 

Just rip the bandaid off. “I’m trans.” 

Done. 

Her heart still races.

A look of surprise passes over Alex’s face for a second, her mouth opening slightly. “Oh.”

Maggie stops breathing.

And then Alex is smiling again, the smile that’s proud and genuine. “Thank you, Maggie, for trusting me.” And then she fumbles a little, eyebrows pinching in. “Am I—have I been using the right pronouns?” 

Maggie takes in a breath and relaxes finally. Lets the air rush out of her lungs along with the anxiety. “Yes, you’re all good.” She's not surprised, not really, but it's a relief nonetheless.

“Good.” And then Alex doesn’t seem to quite know what to say next, so Maggie pushes forward with the other thing she needs to tell Alex.

“And… I was also thinking. I almost died.” She’s almost died before this but never has she been so afraid of it.

“Uh, yeah no I would not have let that happen.”

“Wait, I know that, but… It got me thinking that I, I was so stupid.” Maggie starts to pace a little now. She’s gotten through the first thing on her list but she’s building up to the second and the adrenaline from both is rushing through her veins. “That night at the bar—

There have been countless nights, but Maggie knows they’re thinking of the same one.

“I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship at the time. But I was too afraid to admit it, and I let you think that it had to do with you instead. And I’m sorry for that.

Alex nods once at that. It’s been implied all this time that they’ve spent together, but it’s the first time that Maggie has said it so plainly. 

“But I’m ready now. 

Maggie gazes into Alex's eyes and the expression she sees there is _hope_ and it gives her the extra push she needs.

“And I don’t want to wait any longer. Because life is too short. And we should be who we are. And we should kiss the girls that we want to kiss. And I really just, I want to kiss you.” 

Alex’s eyes are wide and vulnerable as her mouth drops opens slightly and it’s the most beautiful thing Maggie has ever seen and just—

She reaches up, threading her fingers through hair that’s softer than she imagined, resting them along Alex’s neck to pull her in for a kiss and the _crack_ from the fireworks bursting behind her eyes is warm and heady and intoxicating all at once.

And when they pull apart, Maggie surges forward this time as she can’t bear to not have Alex’s lips on hers. Alex’s arms come up to her shoulders to grab her jacket, to hold her closer, to kiss her deeper and this, this is why Maggie couldn’t let Alex out of her life. This is the start of something beautiful. It must be, by the way that pure joy bubbles up in Maggie’s chest.

Maggie feels suspended in time as the world turns around them until all too fast, they separate from each other.

“So you’re saying you like me.” Alex’s voice is breathless again in the way that makes Maggie’s stomach swoop, but it’s such a ridiculous question that Maggie can’t help but laugh and nod.

“And you still like me? Nothing I’ve said today changes that?” She needs to give voice to the question, needs to know for sure.

“Not one bit.” Alex’s voice is firm.

Maggie stares into her eyes and pulls her in again and their lips meet and—

Fireworks.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote something that wasn't Director Sanvers??, but only because it was too complicated to try to fit Lucy in here. And this was written super quickly—let me know if stuff doesn't make sense (or let me know if you liked it)! I mashed ideas together and it quickly spiraled out of control.


End file.
